Give Her Grace: Advice For Twenty Something Sapphics Finding Their Way

Ah yes, the time has come. I’m officially a midlife lesbian and I’d be lying if I said this journey hasn’t been insane. Chosen family, heartbreak, the realization that being queer comes with a second coming of age story and a lot of personal reflection.

I created The Fab Femme (aka known as TFF MAG) circa 2008 when I was a twenty something baby gay attending college in Lake Charles Louisiana. Picture a young femme relocating to a small town in the south after leaving sunny San Diego which is known to have a large LGBTQ+ community. There was no “gay area” in Lake Charles, and finding other lesbians seemed impossible and isolating.

So in the midst of quietly looking for fellow queers in the south, I decided to create The Fab Femme as a way to take up space and build community for LGBTQ+ identified sapphics.

Fast forward to 2020 and we’re in the middle of a pandemic where everyone has time to stop and think. I thought about everything from what TFF Mag had been lacking over the years, to the direction I wanted it to go in to better serve the community. One thing in particular came to mind.

Being able to share experiences and information with younger queers is important. We have the power to connect and swap information on social media, we might as well use it. So if you’re reading this consider it my first of many gifts to you as an elder millennial lesbian who’s seen everything from a scorned ex blow up a car, to watching queer icons finally have the freedom to live out loud. Share with a friend and add your own advice in the comment section!

A short list of gems every 20 something sapphic should know:

1. Give yourself time to date and explore

– You don’t have to jump into a relationship with the first person you meet. You’re free to explore and have experiences that teach you what you desire in a partner. Focus on getting to know yourself, figuring out what you love to do for work and forming solid friendships. There’s no prize for being a serial monogamist. Live your life and the relationship that’s meant to find you will present itself at the right time. 

2. You’re allowed to change your mind about how you show up in the world

– One of the beautiful things about queerness is the way it shape shifts. Give yourself and the people around you grace as you change and evolve as queer people. As time passes, some of your friends will be reborn in transformed bodies, and others may stay exactly the way they are the entire time you know them. All of you are allowed to change and grow whether that be in gender presentation, or sexual preference. Don’t limit yourself by feeling pressured to stick to a label.

3. Get some friends who don’t want to fuck you

-Self explanatory. You’ll need at least a few friends who you genuinely have no attraction to. Not every friendship needs to exist within a grey area. Do yourself a favor and make at least one friend who will be in your corner without a complicated history.   

4. Be prepared to hold space for your community outside of when shit is sweet

• If your community only shows up when things are good, you’re going to have a rough time when life hits a low point. Community isn’t just about partying and going out. It’s also about giving your friend a ride to work when their car is in the shop, checking on a friends pet when they’re out of town, or sitting together while someone expresses how much their family has hurt them. Community means showing up and holding space through every season. 

5. Stay current on LGBTQ news and politics within your community

– I’m aware that politics suck and the majority of our politicians are corrupt and useless, but we still have to pay attention to local LGBTQ+ policies taking place in our own backyards. I say this from a place of watching my peers and elders make sure gay marriage became legal. If you don’t advocate for LGBTQ+ rights locally, bigots will make decisions about your life for you. Protect yourself and our friends by showing up for your local queer community.